The pictures of Eva in the stands of Spurs games, the red carpet photos of the couple suited and glammed up together, well it had all seemed so wonderful. And despite the fleeting nature of star filled loves, we wanted to believe these two were different.
But with reports of a sexting scandal, it seems that Eva and Tony’s marriage has gone the sad way of many before it. Moreover, in the debris of their collapsed love, I find myself asking a question many of my girlfriends and I have often wondered aloud: what is it that makes them stay?
The question, I used to think, had a simple answer. It would be the things that make a good woman, a good woman. Included in that list would be the things our mothers had taught us: being graceful, kind, caring. Then it would include the things we’ve picked up along the way: keeping up care of yourself and staying the woman he fell in love with. The latter set is often reinforced by magazines and hair salon chatter, but nonetheless it seems to complement our own home grown advice. The sum total of it all: the way to keep a good man is to be a good woman.
The logic of this is fine, but the application of it can be very, very flawed. No matter how many columnists can give counsel on how to be the right kind of mate, none of them seem to have an answer on why sometimes being the best “you” you can be can sometimes just not be enough.
One day over chai lattes and blueberry scones, one of my girlfriends and I rummaged around for answers on the topic. After going through the million possible explanations of why a guy would choose to step out of the relationship for someone who had less to offer in most categories, she exasperatedly said, “I mean, if this is my competition then I give up.”
The truth is that her conclusion may be the most practical one of all. Often when men step out on women, it has little to do with what the woman was lacking and more to do with what the man himself needs. The truth is the things that keep couples together go beyond the things each individual can work to improve. The most vital factor in determining if a relationship will make it through the long haul is the willingness to improve each other with every obstacle.
When the person you love reaches out for another, it’s less about what he reaches for than what he is choosing to let go. The truth is that as gorgeous and good of a woman we can aim to be, our individual growth does not necessarily begat a collective one. Working to be the best you is only one half of the dynamic needed for a successful relationship.
But what about when we’ve put in work not just to self but to the whole and still see our love shattered?
While it’s easy to see the relationship as a failed attempt, it is not so. When we invest in truly loving another, we grow our capacity to know what good love is. And if we are the beneficiaries of some of that love, our self-worth will stomp out the self-doubt.
Instead of questioning what we need to do to keep a good man, we should ask ourselves if we believe we are a better woman than when we first entered our love. Because while it may not be the answer we’ve been looking for, it’s the question where we’ll need to start.
