Some women seem to believe that if they find ‘the one’ he’ll make them happy. And so they dub him superman. Until he turns out not to be. How can he single handedly make you happy, when you are not? And then you’re shocked when he starts to back away – because you’re clinging to him, so bolts for his life. Ultimately he knows what you seem not to – he is not superman.

It happens again and again. Different scenarios, different protagonists, different stories – always the same result. The woman who bends herself, blends herself in. Nothing is important if he doesn’t deem it to be. His word is golden, yours is nothing. And it kills me when I receive the phone calls, the heaving sobs of breath on the other end telling me all I need to know – she’s been disappointed, again. She loved him more than she loved herself. She has nowhere to go. No dreams that don’t include him. She feels like half a person, because she had never been whole.

 “Everything is temporary.”

These words changed my life. If you bend and break, you will only disappoint yourself. There’s a difference between self respect and selfishness. A vast expanse of space between obsession and love.  “Ti voglio bene” in Italian loosely translates to both “I love you” and “I want good things for you.” Maybe if we had the same expression in English we’d understand the difference between ‘want’ and ‘need’ – that ‘need’ is only a destructive emotion.

TV shows and movies foster this belief. The floods of tears and long, overdrawn speeches of what they tell you is passion simply continue the cycle. They suggest that dignity does not exist in true love. Pain and sacrifice are directly linked and cannot be separated from it. And although I’d never suggest that it’s supposed to be all rainbows, butterflies and smiles - self respect should be, non negotiable.

In conclusion, Love yourself first. You’d be surprised at the capacity your heart has. There’s more than enough space to fit yourself in alongside the people you love. And in hindsight, having been that girl heaving sobs over many a phone line – how can you expect someone to love you if you don’t even love yourself? The longest relationship you will ever have is the one you have with yourself. In addition to the fact that you would never want to look back and be able to count all the ways you abused, used and cheated in the longest (and most important) relationship of your life – you’ll be loved so much more for your true self.