Through choice we’d all like to learn in the easiest way possible but for some reason God has chosen that I sit in the front row, learning through immense loss and the deep grief that follows; widowed at 27.

I remember the day Ems asked me out. We’d planned to meet for lunch as we’d done as friends many times before. The feelings were there, simmering under the surface, locked away for my thoughts only.

I messaged to ask if a certain time was ok. The response: "Can we meet in 10 minutes? I’m eager to see you!"

The simmering was about to boil.

Despite being his usual cool self when we met, by the time lunch was over he’d poured his heart out. I have no idea whether he’d planned what he was going to say, but for what felt like forever the rest of the world disappeared as he beautifully told me of the depth of feeling he had for me before saying "so I guess I’m asking you out? Unless I’ve got it all wrong?"

And there the course of my life changed in just a few small words.

Falling in love is miraculous. I remember being blown away at feelings I’d reserved suddenly escalating beyond anything I could imagine when complemented and spurred on by his sweet expression of love. Being able to express love made it louder in every way; not just in verbal expression, but in the way it echoes through mind, body, soul, giving you the security to love and serve others more too. You really cannot imagine true love until you have been lost in it for yourself. The right person brings out the best in you.

Ems took just 8 days to tell me that he planned to marry me the next summer and he did. Engaged in just under a year, married 6 months after that, every step was natural. We were best friends, teammates, man and wife – we were one, knitted together into one complete whole.

Getting married in June 2009 we couldn’t have imagined life at anything less than perfect. We make plans and set goals but this was far beyond anything either of us could have imagined or hoped for ourselves. Both strong in our faith, we gave God the credit.

Just over 5 months later, almost a very long year ago now, the police came.
"There’s been an incident…"

In a moment my sweet darling boy was gone. With Ems went all the dreams and plans for our future. Everything "normal" to me disintegrated. My best friend, the person I turned to when life got tough, was suddenly gone, with life at its toughest.

My perspective, my life, changed beyond recognition in the space of a few seconds and a few weighted words.

Again I found myself on a road beyond anything I could have imagined; this time learning to walk again.

I am no expert other than in what I live.

In the past 11 months I have lived rivers of tears as I’ve adjusted to the relentless, incomparable weight of a heart broken by grief for a spouse. Encouraged to "let it out" I have done so in tears, in prayer, in catching my unrecognisable reflection in the mirror and crying out ‘why me?’ and in writing.

The loneliness is immeasurable. On top of the loneliness that comes from having lost the one with whom I was inseparable, the one who held me close, who fought the battles and celebrated the victories with me, I find myself unavoidably misunderstood. And so it has to be for a widow at 28, surrounded by people who won’t share her experience for 5, 6, even 7 decades. And so I learn that though we cannot always understand others, we can always respect and love them.

And so, what else has this front-seat learning taught me?

I have learned that while it is ok to contemplate the future, the real task we are given is to take one day at a time. When the thought of tomorrow fills you with dread you hold on to bible verses like ‘do not worry about tomorrow’. Suddenly you really know what it means to have a day so full of trouble that the thought of coping with anything more is impossible.

I am learning to let go of battles that I cannot possibly win and to use what’s in my hand, rather than looking to what I don’t have, to make a difference. One day this broken heart may start to heal but in the mean time, rather than let it stop me, I’ll use it to live out the purpose for which I find myself here.

And so it is that while many my age seek a love like the one that has found me here, I will find my way ‘one day at a time’, grateful for the grace of God that has brought me here and mindful of exquisite memories of the man I’ll one day meet again.

Ruthie's been labelled an 'accidental blogger' following her sudden thrust into young widowhood last year. Winner of "Best Writing" and "Best blog in Wales" at the 2010 Wales Blog Awards, she is now writing somewhat intentionally and purposefully and hopes to spread as much light as she can in the process. You can read more at her blog "The 7 Journey" and follow her @the7journey