The food in the restaurant was mediocre, but conversation was excellent. We discussed everything from politics to X-Factor, designer shoes to cars. The cut and thrust of the conversation reminded me that there is much to be said for being sociable and I resolved (as I do every few weeks) to get out and meet people more. Anyway, when you have men and women in the same place, conversation inevitably turns to relationships, and this night was no exception. This led us off in many different directions and for the most part, I kept silent, as I’ve found I have a tendency to make enemies with my kind of humour (which was once described by my line manager in a performance review as ‘dry’).
My attention was finally pricked and my mouth galvanised into action when one of the guys expressed an uncertainty about how to behave when on a date. He asked for the opinions of the women on the table, which he immediately regretted as we all had conflicting views. One person said she was all for chivalry and expected a man to open doors, pull out chairs and then pick up the bill. Another young woman asserted that she was opposed to that and stated she would be offended if her date attempted to pay for her dinner, especially in a recession. The women ended up arguing amongst themselves for a while, to the slightly bemused expressions of the men.
My friend who had initiated the subject, concluded that the females’ contrasting opinions showed there was no consensus in what was expected from a man, even though men’s magazines assured them that there was.
On the journey home it got me thinking about just how right he was. There is so much uncertainty about the roles and expectations of men these days - it is little wonder that so many first dates never open doors to a second one? I for one mourn the days when a man knew how to behave on a date and the woman knew what to expect, but now you really cannot take it for granted at all.
While I recognise the importance of the sexual revolution, there is a lot to be said for the days of yore when there were unspoken rules about courtship and dating. The gentleman (and he could be called a gentleman because he would behave like such) would call for the lady, she would make him wait a little and then appear looking fabulous. They would arrive at a restaurant he had chosen and open the doors, take her coat and pull out her seat. Then he’d recommend something from the menu, she’d make her choice and he’d tell the waiter. Real conversation would flow with much hair flicking, hand contact and sexy looks across the table, initiated by her. Dinner would end with the gentleman paying the bill and escorting the lady back home and the date would end with a chaste kiss and a promise to call the following day - which would be upheld!
Now before women start lighting torches and gathering in numbers to string me up for my old-fashioned views, my point isn’t really about who does what on the date but more the idea of definite universal rules so both parties are on the same page.Ultimately, I believe the key to dealing with this predicament is communication - although I do recognise it can be an awkward subject to talk about. I personally have no such qualms about blatantly asking my date beforehand what the game plan is - that is probably why I end up in trouble all the time.
When I de-brief a date to friends the response is usually in the form of a groan, head-shaking or exclamations of ‘I can’t believe you said that!’ My thinking is, if I feel open enough to agree to a date with you, I should feel open enough to ask how you intend to conduct yourself on the date. That way you don’t feel awkward about choosing the restaurant without asking me and I know whether or not to bring my debit card or don’t end up walking into a door because I expected you to hold it open for me!
For me, most date etiquette is not a disqualifying factor. I say most, because some behaviour can be an indicator of particular character traits in either party. For example, if the gentleman orders my food for me or automatically tells the waiter that I won’t be having dessert without even asking if I have a preference, I start wondering if there are possible control issues in the near future. If we get the bill and he gets out a calculator to work out how much each of us should pay, I’ll ask myself is that because he has strong ideas about the equality of the sexes or it is because he is a tight-fisted cheapskate.
I reckon all these stupid ‘surveys’ are to blame for much of the confusion (that’s another subject, trust me). For the most part they are contradictory and totally made up anyway. They don’t really help anyone because quoting a statistic doesn’t really assist you in a practical setting. It’s all well and good sitting across from me saying ‘99.9% of women prefer for the man to pay for the meal’, but I could be in the 0.1% who doesn’t. I’m not though, so if any gentlemen are reading this, I hope we’ll now be on the same page.
Ruhamah Benjamin is a poet and an aspiring novelist (novel is in progress). She has opinions on everything and will quite happily share them. She’s also a bundle of contradictions, but finds that’s part of the beauty in being a woman!
